Movie Review

Bacterium (2006)

1/5

John Paul Fedele refused to cut off his ponytail for his role as Captain Forrester, so Brett Piper had to optically erase Fedele’s ponytail in post-production.

IMDb Trivia.

When your film budget is almost nothing, you shouldn’t waste it on erasing ponytails. And Bacterium is a very low budget, shot-on-video, flick from the director who brought us the abysmal A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell (1990), Brett Piper. This time his subject is flesh eating bacteria and paint-ball enthusiasts.

A mad scientist is hiding in a house in the woods that people just can’t stop stumbling into. He created a bacteria for the army to use as a bio weapon but is haunted by it in his weird dream sequences, and the army is after him and the people in his house… I am not sure exactly what’s happening.

The bacteria does liquify people into goo, and the practical effects are fine, but the bacteria doesn’t stop there. It mutates into a bigger and bigger green blob creature that scurries around and attacks the people in and around the house.

Bacterium (2006)
Bacterium (2006)

Now, there are three domains of life on planet earth: bacteria, achaea and eukaryote. Eukaryote are different from the other two because they have a bound nucleus which enables them to become multi-cellular life like roses, humans and naked mole-rats. That means that the flesh-eating bacteria mutates into a new domain of life here and nobody bats an eye.

The film gets bored with the bacteria though and introduces a scientist who explains that he has two “near critical masses of singularity” and they will combine, create a “super singularity” and destroy everything in the radius of 7 miles. Brett Piper, who wrote this, doesn’t know what any of those words mean. Critical mass is the amount of mass of an isotope needed for a spontaneous fissure event to happen and a singularity is a center of a black hole.

We can actually calculate how powerful this “super singularity” is based on that 7-mile blast radius. It’s about 7000 kilotons, or 7 megatons. The most powerful nuclear bomb was the Tsar Bomba, which was 50 megatons. So, a “super singularity” that is “just” 7 megatons is not great, not terrible.

This film is terrible, though.

Bacterium (2006)
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